Chaos, Inc.

Here are a few things I've forgotten recently:

1. my lunch.
2. my office keys, still stuck in my door.
3. a book I was supposed to bring for a student.
4. where my iPad happened to be stashed. Seriously. It was under my chair, and I had to use Find My iPad. It sang a soothing but persistent song to me from under the chair. Like, what kind of jerk leaves an iPad under a chair? but in dulcet bell tones.

Also, tonight when I was trying  to tell my son about a piece in USA Today about Kyle Korver, and the historian simultaneously reached for a handful of caramel popcorn and accidentally, gently, knocked over an empty soda bottle--nothing was broken--and also simultaneously Bruiser made a "let's go on a walk dammit!" noise of whatever kind, and also at the same time I noticed that my house was dirty and the Christmas tree is still up,  I almost lost it.

I've always said I thrive on chaos. Which is kind of true, until it isn't. And then it's more like chaos is eating my brains out and also making a hella lotta noise while doing so, which means I might be losing my mind whilst also feeling mighty tetchy about it.

You know how this narrative is supposed to go. I'm supposed to figure out a solution. But frankly, on a day when I sent this text to my son:

because I had to conference with students at 6 p.m. and 6:20 p.m. and 7 p.m., and moreover tomorrow I have to be at work directly at 8 a.m. (what are we? farmers?), I have not one solution in mind. Literally: not. one.

I need:

(a) a cleaning robot with super-cleaning-robot powers. Like, the CleanBot 2000, with detachable Sorting Arm and an Executive Get-Rid-Of-That chip, for a 30% less cluttered home™.

(b) a DeLorean, so I can go back to the future, and make better choices about all kinds of things, including my Amazon purchases and my personal organizational habits.

(c) a full night's sleep.

Obviously, I'm not going to get any of these things. So basically, I'm going to try for 80% of (c) and see how that goes. Untidily, probably.