Today, I had a day without meetings or classes, and I figure those aren't going to come around all that often as the semester, nay, the year progresses, so I stayed home to do my work, and as I just now whined to the historian, because the day was entirely mine to shape, and because I had an agenda of things to do, I felt like I could approach the work without too much stress, just proceed at a deliberate but not frantic pace: but as the end of the day drew near, and as I noted the progress I had made on each and every item, I felt even so not a lessening of anxiety but a burgeoning of it:
Lo! the anxiety flowered like a rude, fat dandelion going to seed, and now, look, a puff of wind! and each little piece of anxiety separated and lofted and eureka: ever so much more anxiety! with potential for growth!
I am going to have to figure out how to handle this better. Because I can't even stand myself. It's come to this: vacuuming dust bunnies and sorting shoes and reading the columns in the Oprah magazine. This is what I've retreated to. Luckily there was some bike riding and dog walking
And now, I am going to pick an outfit to wear to the Board of Trustees meeting.
oh the angst! Oh the agony!
ReplyDeleteIt will get better. This part of your life, returning from sabbatical was always going to be a kick in the teeth. Embrace it. Then let it pass. I mean this all with love.
Your writing has forever changed the way I will view dandelions. And anxiety. And even though I am not returning from sabbatical I will also embrace and let pass the anxiety dandelions in my world. At least I'll try.
ReplyDeleteI simply love the way you write. If I could whine like this I think I'd get loads more sympathy.
ReplyDeletePicking out an outfit is important, and I'm sure you did a fantastic job. I, too, feel the summer retreating. But I am grasping it's legs and holding fast, begging, please, don't go! Don't!Go! In any case, it's gone.
ReplyDeleteThis semester is dragging it's feet, also, so that the students act as if it is still summer, i.e. they don't have to do anything. Ha!
Well, at least we have each other.
A diminishment. A great word to describe the moving on from summer to not summer.
ReplyDeleteHad I know you were going to be meeting-free today, I would have scheduled at least 3 for you!
ReplyDeleteThis is where you dip into your yellow shoe collection. Because yellow is the color of the sun. And sun equals summer. You see what a splendid logician I would make, yes?
ReplyDeleteSo what did you wear?
ReplyDelete