Alternative careers (installment 334).

There's a fashion blog that I love so much it actually makes me wince a little--Go Fug Yourself (Because Fugly is the New Pretty). I have shared this blog (wherein the Fug Girls skewer with rapier-like wit the fashions of CelebWorld) with a few of you, I know, but not with everyone, because I don't want you all to think I'm shallow like that. I envy these bloggers, because they are hilarious and observant and also because I am convinced that their job is to look at magazines, read e-mail, and watch trash television--and then to write hilarious and observant posts about it all. Then eat Cheetos and drink Diet Coke. Not that I would ever do that.

But this feature, on New York Magazine's The Cut blog (which the Fug bloggers edit), absolutely tears it. In this case, they're sharing their shopping expertise in a little thing they call "Shop-a-Matic." Each installment of Shop-a-Matic gives you a whole bunch of variations on a theme--in this case, spring dresses--in all price ranges. It's fun to click through the slideshow (No. No. Never. Maybe. No. No. Too expensive. Wait, I think I just saw that at Target. Seriously? Ooooh!). But as I was clicking away, thinking to myself, those Fug Girls have the best job EVER, I realized, Hey. I don't need this so-called Shop-a-Matic! I AM Shop-a-Matic!

The people, I am hereby offering you my services as your own personal ShopRobot. All you need to do is tell me what you're looking for, and I will find you something awesome that expresses your personal gorgeousness. That's right, you heard me: tell me the kind of clothing you want and I will find it for you, and at a price you can afford.

Do you need

• Black linen cropped trousers?
• Spring-y floral floaty top?
• Tee shirt in a silky soft but not-too-sheer fabric?
• A clever bag in just the right size and shape?
• Sculptural shoes?

Like a robot, which as we all know is made by science, I will use my proprietary algorithms to locate these items of clothing for you, and more. And to think, all you have to do is ask.